An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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