So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
