I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And then my night got REAL pukey
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
