She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
