i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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