She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
