I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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