Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
