it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
