i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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