i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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