You work out of a Hotel?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
