it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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