I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
