I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
