Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
