I'm sorry my penis didn't work
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So vagazzling was a success
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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