I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
