Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
