i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
