Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
