mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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