I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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