I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
