TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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