I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
