Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
