I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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