LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
