My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
