I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
