Got a toothbrush?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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