You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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