dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I supernannyed him into submission
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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