i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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