For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
