worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
