The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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