Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
