Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
