I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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