My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
