I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
