Your mouth is God's brothel.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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