I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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