i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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