I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
