Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
