census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
