i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
