OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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