farters have to be the big spoon...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
