I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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