I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
