Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
