At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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